Pure Gold – I Want Me

Beloved ones,

It is a glorious day.  Gorgeous, honeycrisp, back to school, nippy air and bright sun day.  Perfect weather for this cosmic time of exquisite expansion.  It’s good to have this bright light when we are called to do our deepest shadow work.  The Guides are telling me every place within us must be explored.  There can be no corner left in the dark.  We are called now to lift off of the heavy places where we plunked ourselves down in childhood in a state of petulant disappointment or despair.  It is time to feel better.   

We were so small then.  And ‘bad’ things happened to us.  We did not know then that this is how life works, how life teaches us.  We did not know that holding onto grudges against whoever was trespassing against us would only serve to keep us bound in limitation and lack.  Now we know.  And so we track and track these misunderstandings from long ago.  We explore ourselves like the intrepid life trekkers that we are.  We loosen our grasp from around the toxic baton we have been clutching desperately seeking someone to hand it off to until finally realizing that life is NOT a race.  There is nowhere to run to.  Nothing to run toward.  There is no finish line.  There are no winners and losers.  It’s just life.  Unfolding.  There is no one watching us, evaluating our performance, judging, hounding, criticizing.  That is all illusion, trumped up by a devolved culture that believes in scaring its citizens into submission, poking, prodding, competing, beating, winning, putting down.

We simply are.  Now.  We are.  And so now, we are with awareness.  We are in transition from petulant disappointment to pure potential having become willing to come out of the shadows.   

I am sleeping these days with something I call the shadow puppet.   She is a funky puppet I use in my shamanic classes to help people discover parts of themselves that they have hidden away.  She is magical.  When we slip our hand into her and make her mouth open, truth is released from within us and we can finally speak what has always needed to be spoken.  This shadow puppet helps us express our feelings that have been put aside or put down for so long.    

I have been sleeping with her because I recently uncovered a negative core belief that I have carried in this lifetime:  “They do not want me.”  This negative core belief has led me to behave in all sorts of self demeaning ways over the course of my lifetime in order to try and get ‘them’ to want me. 

I have dishonored myself and my feelings trying to please others.  I have disrespected my mind, my heart, my body, my gifts because I wanted ‘them’ to want me.  I did not know that I have to want me.  Now, thanks to discovering this negative core belief; I have come out of the shadow of this petulant disappointment that has led to caretaking behavior.  Caretaking others was my way of trying to manipulate others into wanting me.  And it seemed to work.  There are always people out there who want to be taken care of.  But they do not want me, they want to be taken care of.  They do not want me.  They want their mother.  And it’s too late for that.  The mother ship has sailed.  It’s an insidious dodge.  It leads to very unsatisfying exchanges.    

Now —

I want me.  I want me.  I want me. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially, romantically, sexually, musically – happily!   I sit with the shadow puppet every night before I sleep and every morning when I wake.  I gaze deeply into my/her eyes and tell myself through her how much I want me.  Every aspect of me.  All of me.  Not just the well-behaved parts.  Not just the cheerful, helpful, kind and thoughtful parts.  I want ALL of me.  EVERY aspect.  I WANT ME! 

It is a glorious day.  From this aligned and centered self wanting – I look forward to seeing who The Universe will bring into my life to mirror this self love, self acceptance and self respect to me.  I love this work!  I love you.  I feel like the most fortunate woman in the world.   I ask myself today, what do I want, what do I need?  What will lead me to health, happiness and joy? What inspires me today?  What feels healthy and good for my body?  My mind?  My spirit.  Who feels life enhancing to be around?  Where do I feeling like shining my light for my own best health as well as the highest good of all.  What do I have to offer myself today in the way of self love, self acceptance and self respect?  

I love you.  May you have a glorious day.  If I can help you in anyway with your shadow work, be in touch.  It’s time for us all to feel better!   

 

 

 

 

 

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4 Comments

  1. Would love to hear your thoughts on envy. As much as I am trying to let it go, it persists. While most people consider me kind and loving, I am in a place in my life where everyone around me seems to be having such a great life and I just can’t help to often feel envy and sadness. While U never would wish my dear friends bad, I just wish I knew how to be okay that they are in more prosperous and generally better situations than I am. I feel so guilty…if they only knew 😞

    1. Hello beloved Stacy, I apologize for taking so long to respond to you. Life has been quite a journey for us all of late. I wanted to respond to your inquiry about envy. I have suffered from the pangs of envy over the years, so I have compassion for your feelings. What I have discovered about envy is that it comes when I am giving my energy away to others by looking at them and their lives instead of my spending my time looking at myself and my own life. And leaking energy to others is part of what keeps me from expressing all I am in the world and being all I can be. I envied my sister Maureen so much when I was a child. It led me to literally wanting to ‘be her’. Years later while doing deep, deep healing work around jealousy of another energy worker who seemed to have a much better ‘gift’ than I did – I discovered that I had literally turned away from my own gifts and my own self in childhood because of being so distracted by my jealousy of my sister. During the healing session that day I found myself climbing a stairway to heaven, ‘knocking on heaven’s door’ as the song goes and asking Source Energy for my gifts back. The gifts I had not appreciated because I was focusing so much on my older sister. I was through thinking my sister had it better than I did. She did not. I thought she was cuter than me, more loved than me, better than me. That was my child’s brain creating that from the circumstances in the family. I did not see my own beauty. I did not pay attention to what I liked or wanted. I was constantly ‘itchy’ about what was happening to her and comparing it with what was happening for me. I wasted so much time! Instead of playing the piano, reading my favorite books, practicing whatever I was good at – I got ‘lost in thought’ comparing myself to my sister which developed the unfortunate mental habit of my feeling sorry for myself. After much healing in shamanic practice and via the 12 steps in OA – I realize program is correct. They say, “Compare and despair”. when I compare myself to anyone in anyway – I end up feeling that I am ‘better than’ someone which leads to feeling separate from them and grandiose – or ‘worse then’ someone which makes me feel like crap about myself. Either way I lose. So now, I practice a self loving level of mental discipline. When I catch myself getting ‘lost in thought’ about anyone else. I gently notice that my mind is going to an unhealthy and unhappy place and simply change the channel in my mind. I am in charge of my mind. My mind is not in charge of me. I get to decide whether the thoughts I am thinking are productive and profitable for me or not. Any thought that leads me to being bummed out about myself is not a good though. So, I invite you to pay more attention to yourself and your own life. What do you want to create for yourself? What do you want to learn? Life is not about what we have – but all about who we are. Who are you? Have fun finding out who you are. And if you want more of anything – stop giving any energy to anything other than creating more of what you want. If you want more money – find more work that pays you more money. If you want more love – find people for you to love and get that ball rolling. It’s all okay. Whereever we are. Whatever we have. Whoever we are. It’s all okay. I also invite you not to allow what our culture thinks is best to be what’s best for you. Blaze your own trail. Do not agree with what is on TV – what is hot, cool and groovy may not really be right for you. What do you want? Focus on yourself. You are the work of art that you are here in this lifetime to work on. It does not matter what anyone else is doing. It only matters what you are doing, being, feeling, thinking, enacting for yourself. You are a powerful human being. Use your power to focus your intention and change your mind. stop feeling sorry for yourself and give yourself the gift of your own loving, excited energy and CREATE something that you love for yourself. You deserve it. You are a child of the Universe. An emanation of Source energy. You are the child of the Mother Earth. All things are open to you! Focus on your beautiful self! I send you Love, Love, Love today!

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