Newsflash to my psyche…I’ve ended my quest to be the most humble, serving, non-attached, devoted,  spiritually attuned human being I can be.  I’ve decided it may be more healing for me to practice being female.  I cannot believe I am saying this.  But it’s true.  Instead of asking myself, ‘What would Mother Mary do?”  I am choosing to finally allow myself to be a real live girl.  I’m scared.  It’s hard.  And I feel crazy vulnerable and undefended.  I must be on the right track.

I’ve been at this spiritual evolution thing for awhile now, since I left writing for Hollywood behind in 1996.  I have 17 years invested in this spiritual quest to deny the breast part of my destiny.  And I have 55 years invested in trying to pretend I am something I am not.  I was raised Irish Catholic from Boston and in that world the boys were favored.  I watched what was considered successful behavior; behavior that was rewarded with praise, prizes and promotion and I did not see anyone being rewarded for what I consider to be feminine behavior either culturally or energetically.

We were taught to play it cool and get the guy.  A direct quote from my mother, “If you want to get and keep a man, look him deeply in the eye and pretend that everything he says is the most interesting thing you’ve ever heard.”  Wow.  Really?  Really.  And you know what?  It kind of worked.  Who doesn’t want to be listened to deeply??  But no praise, no prizes and no promotions for that unless you consider marriage to be a promotion and I guess in our culture it may still be considered a kind of promotion – more for women than men.

But I didn’t want the female promotion.  I saw the effect that pretending everything he said was pure gold had upon my mother.  She was paralyzed by fear when she started losing her looks.  It was then she told me  never to marry because they stop loving you when you are not young and beautiful anymore.  I was in early adolescence, still listening to parental input.  And being the ambitious type suffering from a serious case of low self esteem, I wanted the praise, the prizes and the promotions.  I needed them to prove to someone I was worth something.  And so toxically armed with funky messages from both my culture and my mother, I ash canned my feminine presence and set out to be one of the boys.

I did a pretty good job.  I succeeded in everything I set my mind to utilizing the  kind of push, push, push that comes from the masculine energy.   I did well in school.  And created several careers both in NYC and LA. They were grueling cities.  But I could take it.  I got the cash and I got the credit.  I’m sorry to say I was even able to act like the boys in bed.  In the go-go 80’s I engaged in a love ’em and leave ’em attitude that was sickeningly non-feminine.  I was rough and tough and people called me by my last name because it fit me.  O’Hare.  I smoked, I drank, I worked like a dog.  I had no life.  No love.  And no purpose besides getting the praise, the prizes and the promotions.  I had succeeded in proving that I could compete with the boys.

It never dawned on me that by repressing my femininity I was ruining my life.

But not anymore.  These are the days of the return of the Divine Feminine.  The Cosmic Mother is in the house and She is doing some serious housecleaning!  She will not allow Her girls to be anything less than beautiful juicy representatives of Her Divine Presence on earth.   She is here to amplify the feminine energy so that we can get this earthship turned around.  She wants this place brought back into balance and if it takes me and every other over-masculinized woman behaving like a real live girl to do it, sobeit.

I am so happy to tell you that at 55 years old I have finally outgrown this miserable misunderstanding.  I don’t want to be a girl in a boy’s affect anymore.  I don’t want to hide my feminine presence behind my spiritual practice.  I have finally realized that being female is a crucial part of my spiritual practice.  I have been told so often by The Guides who shepherd my practice over the years, “Just be yourself.”  “Enjoy yourself.” I heard their words, but could not take them in.  How was I not being myself?  How was I not enjoying myself?

I felt offended.  I was loving God and serving my community.  I was teaching spirituality in the attempt to learn something about it myself.  I was holding Women’s Chanting Groups every Monday night, sacred drumming every Thursday night.  We were getting blisssed out singing the names of God with BlisSing.  I had a private healing practice.  I loved my job.  And for the first time in my life I loved my boss!  (Thank you, God)  My home was Good Will humble, my car appropriately old, my clothes practical and well worn.  My life was completely devoted to Spirit.  So how, in God’s name, (and I think I really mean that) could I not be enjoying myself??  I was frustrated.

It never dawned on me that by repressing my feminine self I was killing my joy and hurting my body.

Well, I finally got it.  It took a serious bout with pancreatitis to give me the wake up call.  I had to have this life threatened a bit.  But every good shamanic tale involves someone getting struck by lightning.  I got the wake up call!  I’m up and I’m staying up!   I am reclaiming my sexy-hucha-mama personal Divine Feminine as I love and serve the collective Divine Feminine.

I’ve got a keen eye on my Irish Catholic filter now.  Deeply devoted spiritual types don’t have to look like Mother Mary in this lifetime.  In this incarnation, mantles are not required.  Deeply devoted spiritual types look like me.  And you.  I think Mother Mary would have loved manicures and pedicures had they been around in her time.  I can see her beautiful nails now – sky blue!

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